The jokes
Your birth certificate is a complaint to the condom factory.
A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.
The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."
The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"
Why is the orange so blind? Because it needs to take Vitamin C!
I don't say funny stuff because I'm afraid they will take the German passport from me.
What is the difference between a book and a Mexican?
One has papers.
Memes
Did you know if you give a guy a plane ticket, he flies once, but if you push him out of a plane, he flies for the rest of his life.
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?
Ivana Pulyova.
What's the difference in Japanese Kamikaze and 9/11?
There is none, they both go up in flames.
When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:
98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!
1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.
Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!
What did one needle say to the other?
"You be looking sharp!"
Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.
How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.
What was the one test that Steven Hawking couldn't pass?
reCAPTCHA
What’s a bird’s favorite movie?
The Parrots of the Caribbean.
Why did the orphans like church so much?
So they had someone to call father...
The retards take the ancestry tests at 24andMe.com.
Why did the little girl's ice cream melt?
She was on fire.
What do you call a letter using the bathroom?
The P.
When you're sitting in class and the quiet kid yells, "Lovely day, isn't it?" ... and you see a Glock shape in his pocket.
What’s the difference between a hoe and a rooster?
A rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-doo," and a hoe says, "Any cock will do."