The jokes
I'm torn on the issue of abortion. I'm pro-abortion because it kills babies, but I'm against abortion because it gives women a choice.
What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
How do you punish a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
"Wait, I can explain everything!"
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."
My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.
Q: What's the best thing about fucking 28 year olds?
A: There's 20 of them.
Where do alien cows come from?
- The Milky Way.
What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."
Q: Have you ever felt a window?
A: Did you feel the pane?
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
Why did the royal wedding get more publicity than a school shooting?
Cause a royal wedding doesn't happen once a week.
What happened when the cheetah took too many baths?
He became spotless!!!
Why did the orphan rob the bank?
So they could be wanted.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.
What’s the difference between a retard and a zombie? Nothing much, they both dribble, moan, are hungry, walk weirdly, and it takes a bullet in the head to put them both down.
What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?
"I C D K"
You know what I see?
DICK
I hope you get raped by a chimp in the forest