The jokes

Abortion

I'm torn on the issue of abortion. I'm pro-abortion because it kills babies, but I'm against abortion because it gives women a choice.

Wife

What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.

Wife

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

"Wait, I can explain everything!"

Incest

A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."

Age

Q: What's the best thing about fucking 28 year olds?

A: There's 20 of them.

School shooting

Why did the royal wedding get more publicity than a school shooting?

Cause a royal wedding doesn't happen once a week.

Priest

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.

Difference

What’s the difference between a retard and a zombie? Nothing much, they both dribble, moan, are hungry, walk weirdly, and it takes a bullet in the head to put them both down.

Dentist

What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?

"I C D K"

You know what I see?

DICK