The jokes
What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
1. You're so dumb, you think Cheerios are donut seeds!
2. You're so fat, you could sell shade!
3. You're just like coconut water, nobody likes you!
4. Have you been shopping lately? Because they're selling lives around the corner, you should go get one!
If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence!!
Are these good?
I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤
A Mexican magician said he would disappear on the count of three. He said, "Uno, dos," and disappeared without a tres!
What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?
Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."
Memes
What do you do if you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler!
Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek?
No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.
Imagine Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady but could not stand up.
Little Johnny was walking down an alley and saw a lamp. After he rubbed it, a genie came out and said, "You have 10 seconds to have one wish." Little Johnny says he wants to pee alcohol. The genie grants his wish. He tells his family, and his sister doesn't believe it. After having a drink, she says, "We should have this every night!" Little Johnny gets two cups every night, one for him and his sister. He does the same thing for four nights. Eventually, he ran out of cups and has one left. He gives it to himself, and his sister asks, "Where's my cup?" Little Johnny replied, "You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."
Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.
Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."
"Really?" asked a little girl.
"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?
Ivana Pulyova.
Why did the little girl's ice cream melt?
She was on fire.
What's the difference in Japanese Kamikaze and 9/11?
There is none, they both go up in flames.
Why did the rapper become a chef?
Because he wanted to cook up some FIRE BARS!
Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.
When you hear your mom’s car pull in the driveway and you remember that she told you to take the chicken out of the freezer 7 hours ago.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Queen.
Queen who?
You don't know the queen? You're crazy!
How do Chinese people name their baby? They throw pots down the stairs: bing bong ching chong.
What did the Chinese girl say when she had a white baby?
"Sum Ting Wong."
When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:
98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!
1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.
Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!