That jokes

A girl walks into the church and confesses.

Girl: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

Priest: "How have you sinned, may I ask?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call a man a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "He held my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (He holds the girl's hand.)

Girl: "Yes, Father."

Priest: "That does not explain why you called a man a bitch."

Girl: "He started taking off my clothes."

Priest: "Like this?" (He takes off the girl's clothes.)

Girl: "Yes, Father."

Priest: "That also doesn't explain why you called the man a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off his clothes and put his you know what into my you know what."

Priest: "Like this?" (He puts his you know what into her you know what.)

Girl: "Yes, Father! Yes, Father!"

Priest: "Then what?"

Girl: "Then he got up and left me naked."

Priest: "That son of a bitch!"

What do you call an orphan that has a brother? The second one without one.

Yo mama so fat, that when she fell I didn’t laugh, but damn that sidewalk cracked up. 👋

My cat got run down. That is a cat-astrophe.

I have a friend that sells backpacks for a living. You can draw on them using markers of different color variants.

He one day said his business was "remarkable."

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.

Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

So I went to a church and I asked a friend, "Is the picture on the wall Jesus, and does it have three nails or one nail?" Oh wait, that's not Jesus, he is not doing the T pose that he invited.

Tongue twister: Through three cheese trees Three free fleas flew. While these three fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze; freezy trees made these tree's cheese freeze.

That's what made these three fleas sneeze. 👍😀

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

I will give you all the fine chicks you want. Just dial this number: 313-974- tap that ass from Hooters strip club.

So you're saying a penny is worth more than a penny?

That don't make no cents.

A burglar breaks into the home of a weapons engineer. He wants to steal some of his weapons from his strictly secured chamber. When he breaks in through the window to go into his weapons cellar, he realizes that the inventor is at home and heard him from upstairs.

The burglar shouts, "Hands up, there is no escape!" The engineer shouts, "What do you want from me?" The thief answers impatiently, "Well, what do you think? I know what you're hiding here. Get me entry to your armory, right away!" "Never in my life will I do that!" The burglar pulls out his pistol, "Either you let me in, or you go for it!"

"Well, I'll give up, I'll give you my guns. Please don't shoot me." The burglar grins gleefully, "Thank you." "I even have a gun here that I've been working on lately. You can have it." The burglar then thinks and grunts, "Okay, before you open up, you'll show me this first!"

The inventor says, "It's shooting plasma. You can test it on one of my practice goals that I've made while I'm unlocking," and points to a side room where various dummies with targets are set up. The burglar walks into the room with the targets, focuses on the red dot in the middle of the disc, and pushes off. But the gun does not fire plasma or at the target. Instead, the gun fires a bullet at the burglar. This causes him to bleed to the ground.

The engineer behind him began to laugh, "Hahaha! I knew you were falling for it! This is not a plasma gun at all; this is my latest invention, especially for burglars like you: the backward-shooting pistol."

One day I was working at the bank, doing my job. Then suddenly a woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Then I told her that her balance is un-balanced.

What did Hitler say to Stan after he died?

I did nazi that coming!

Hi, I...

Sorry, my cat touched my computer. I don't know how to delete.

The joke is that if you take a cap off a bottle, is it decapitation?

Sorry guys, it's a hard word to spell.

The only woman to ever tell you that they loved you was your mom. (If she even loved you in the first place.)

Remember the big forehead kid who said, "Give me a knife, I'm going to kill myself" because of being bullied?

His head was too big to even exist, and that's why he's dead.

I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut, g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.

The school shooter encounters the emo kid. He reaches for his gun, but the emo kid disappears. He then finds that his gun is not on him.

If chickens make chicken nuggies, does that mean dinosaur chickens make Dino nuggies?!?

CONSPIRACY!!!