That jokes

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

I couldn't imagine being Abe Lincoln, that would be mind-blowing!

How do you know that a woman is about to say something smart?

She starts the sentence with ‘a man once said.’

I have a lot of respect for trans women.

That surgery takes balls!

Son: Dad, I know I'm adopted.

Dad: Well, how do you know?

Son: I found the adoption papers.

Dad: That is for your mum.

If you know, you know.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

Why are Americans stupid? They shoot everyone that goes to school.

What was Michael Jackson's answer to the parents of the little boys who were left with him when asked why does he do it that way? Tell them that it's human nature.

I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.

You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.

I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.

"Dad? What's dark humor?" "See that man with no arms over there, son, tell him to clap." "But daddy, I'm blind."

If 2 + 2 is 4, and 4 + 4 is 8, then that must mean I can lick your pussy.

Your hairline is so far away that even the Hubble Telescope can't see it.

That moment when the emo kid hangs himself in a bathroom stall, and the autistic kid thinks it's a pinata.

"Your ass must be jealous of all that shit that comes out of your mouth."

Little Johnny saw his dad getting head from his mom. Johnny asked what they were doing, and mom stopped and said she was fixing his dad's pants. Little Johnny says, "That explains what the lady next door was doing."

Why is sucking cock inside the confessional booth the only thing that a catholic priest doesn't have to give up for lent?

Because catholic priests don't have to be vegetarians during lent.

Did you know that a lot of graves are put in churchyards?

Yeah, they're pretty holey.

My family is like an apple tree. My sister is that ugly one that has to rot in.