That jokes
My friend had a drink called Quick Start, so I said, "That's a quick start to the morning!"
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
My woman told me that she wants to have sex with me, and I said, "Let's go at it." She said, "Shut up and kiss me on all my pillows."
What is a car that runs and can't?
Chuck Norris once went to hell.
After that, the Devil only falls asleep after he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, “I shaved down there; you know what that means.”
The husband responds, “Yeah, the drain is clogged.”
Haven't had sex since I got out of jail; although sex in jail wasn't that great, either.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
You see a boat filled with people, yet there isn’t a single person on board. How is that possible?
All of them are married!
I never make that type of joke. They always seem to crash and burn.
Why do heterosexual men and heterosexual women believe that bisexual men don't exist because male bisexuality doesn't exist? Because it doesn't cycle 🚲.
I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy, was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F*** OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha, yeah, she was mad.
Anyways, that's why your mother and I are getting a divorce, Timmy.
A friend was doing bird puns on me. Then I realized that toucan play at that game.
What do you call milk that gets everything she wants?
Spoiled milk.
What do you call a chicken that catches ghosts? A poultrygeist.
One day my girlfriend and I were just hanging out and she needed to tell our dad that we were going out.
So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.
Why are orphans so skinny?
They never eat anything that is family size.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
Person: Hey, do you know what's the best thing in life?
...
You do realize that I said nothing, right?
Me: Exactly :)