That jokes

What do you call someone that illegally transports cups? - A s-mug-gler.

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"

"Dave who?"

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

Q: How can you tell that a pedophile likes music?

A: He rapes D minor.

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

Location is in London by the way.

One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money.

His friend: "Oh for once you lost some pounds!"

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

Male Patient: So I just pull my pants down and bend over for my prostate exam.

Doctor: Yup.

Male: Ok I'm ready....hey doc that doesn't feel like a finger.

Doctor: He he yeah...im not a doctor.

Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. That's the third one this week and it's only Monday.

A good dog name is Syndrome. That way when it tries attacking, you can yell, "Down, Syndrome!"

A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"

Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”

How do we know that Princess Diana had dandruff?

Because they found her head and shoulders in the glovebox.

Hey God, what are you making?

Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.

Sounds like a match made in heaven.

What do you call a gay man that is not physically handicapped that performs blowjobs on gay men that are physically handicapped?

Caregiver.

"You wanna play the rape game?" "No." "That's the spirit!"

A policeman once said, "I will never forget 9/11."

I said, "I hope not, that’s your phone number!"

Did you know that statistically, 1 in 10 people live next to a pedophile? Not me though, I live next to a 10 year old boy with a fat ass.