That jokes

I heard that Uranus is pronounced "yuuranus," but it reminded me of urine! 😆

Did you know that Helen Keller had a pet monkey?

No.

Neither did she.

That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.

Your hairline is so far back that when I wrote it on a chalkboard, it did not erase.

Me: I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g.”

Emo kid: He said like your bullet holes, G.

Me: I have no bullet holes.

Emo kid: Not yet, you don't.

Me: Ayo what the fuc*.

You didn't know that Helen Keller is dead? It's fine; neither does she.

You're so fat that when you went sunbathing at the beach, Greenpeace came along and pushed you back in the ocean.

I'll kill a bitch like the policeman did to that white woman. He chopped her up and put her in the woods, the suck fuck.

When Bob got on that sled, I don't know how he went so smoothly, but that is the invention of bobsled peoples.

And then Mark came in.

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

Yo momma's legs are like cottage cheese: white and chunky.

Yo momma's so dirty that when I asked what was for dinner, she sat on the table, opened her legs, and said "Crabs."

You know that the F in orphan may stand for family, but it actually stands for "fuck family."

TELL ME YOU'VE DONE THIS WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU'VE DONE THIS.!!! So, we all know when y'all were in school, y'all would fart, but y'all would try to make it silent, but for me, that one day I farted loud, and everyone could hear. Everyone got to blame the annoying kid.

Who said, "That's a small step for man, a giant leap for mankind?"

Not Stephen Hawking.

I was going to make alligator last night, but I noticed that I only had a crock pot.😅

I’m rather relaxed about death.

From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

People joking about 9/11.

Random kid: "You shouldn’t joke about that! I lost my dad on 9/11."

Oh.

"Yeah, he was the greatest pilot ever!"

What do ya call an emo that's hung himself? Hangman.

Yo mama is so nonverbal that she’s Boss Baby.

Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"

And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."