That jokes

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Did you hear about the shark that ate a key shop?

I think it got lockjaw after that.

What do you call crocodiles that don't say "swim" every day?

When I was 11, my mom came home from the bar super drunk that night, and I just wanted to know if they knew where the cat was because I heard a noise. We had a loooooooong talk the next morning.

When Bob got on that sled, I don't know how he went so smoothly, but that is the invention of bobsled peoples.

And then Mark came in.

People joking about 9/11.

Random kid: "You shouldn’t joke about that! I lost my dad on 9/11."

Oh.

"Yeah, he was the greatest pilot ever!"

Yo mama is so nonverbal that she’s Boss Baby.

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

Your hairline is so far back that when I wrote it on a chalkboard, it did not erase.

You didn't know that Helen Keller is dead? It's fine; neither does she.

You're so fat that when you went sunbathing at the beach, Greenpeace came along and pushed you back in the ocean.

You know that the F in orphan may stand for family, but it actually stands for "fuck family."

TELL ME YOU'VE DONE THIS WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU'VE DONE THIS.!!! So, we all know when y'all were in school, y'all would fart, but y'all would try to make it silent, but for me, that one day I farted loud, and everyone could hear. Everyone got to blame the annoying kid.

I always knew that Maranda Sings was orbiting Uranus.

I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.

I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!

Your face is so big that not even you can see it.

Yo mama so fat that Thanos had to snap twice!

Yo mama so stupid that she had an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

I was going to make alligator last night, but I noticed that I only had a crock pot.😅

Yo momma's legs are like cottage cheese: white and chunky.

Yo momma's so dirty that when I asked what was for dinner, she sat on the table, opened her legs, and said "Crabs."