That jokes
You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!
I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.
It's my New Year's resolution.
My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."
Have you been to that paraplegic strip club? It's crawling with pussy!
Did you know that the letter "f" in "orphan" stands for family?
Yo mama is so dumb that she went to the eye doctor just to buy an iPhone.
You are so intelligent that parents come running to beg you to be their child!
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.
What do you call a mom that can’t draw? Tracy.
What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?
"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."
Your hairline is so far back that even Hitler wouldn't shoot it.
What do you call a band made of cheese?
Grate That!
Why didn’t the turkey cross the road?
To prove that he was not chicken.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you, that is who.
I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher.
They said: you can't be a "pro-grammer nazi."
A puma was making another puma laugh. That puma that was laughing said, “Stop making me laugh! I’m gonna puma pants!”
Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!
What did the Ford Mustang say to the crowd of innocent people?
I'D HIT THAT!
The son margarine shows his father his test that he failed.
Father: Son, you can do butter!
Person: You suck!
Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎