That jokes
If James Bond is the most famous spy, wouldn't that also make him the worst spy?
How do our brains remember that we forgot something, but we can't remember what that thing was?
A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone that knows you.
Yo mama is so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Does that dick match that forehead? 👀
A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"
A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"
The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."
The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Your smile is so nice that the moon shines off them.
You are so intelligent that parents come running to beg you to be their child!
You're so wonderful that Wonderland booked tickets to meet you!
You're so brilliant and bright that the Sun wears sunglasses when you're near!
You're so awesome that the word 'awesome' demanded its title back!
You're so cool that celebrities take pictures of you.
I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.
Does Eminem like M\&M's? Cause if he didn't, that would be like "they're" not liking "there."
What is the most noise that comes out of a ladies mouth? Nothing because they never have anything important to say.
Knock knock. Who's there? Parents. Parents who? That's what an orphan would say.
I met a girl that was 6'5" and she fell on 9/11 and broke her arm. She really said "oh snap" like a twin tower.