That jokes

My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.

A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!

Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"

Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"

What comes after 611? 711.

What comes after that? 811.

What comes after that? George W. Bush.

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

I know people don’t really like cat puns, but mine are PURRety good.

Did you CATch that one? No? Because you are in a bad mood? You should WISKER those feelings away. We should PAWnder ways to fix your mood. Just remember to keep CLAWing at the problem. I am glad I can help MEW.

Once I had a cat. The cat liked human beverages.

One day I decided to throw a party. The cat went over to get some soda. There was a line. I told him that he needed to wait in line. The line was too long for the cat. Then he walked to the punch bowl. He saw that there was no punch line. Very much like this joke.

Braille is not that hard to learn, you just got to have a feel for it.

I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.

What do you call a pig that knows karate?

Pork-chop!

A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."

I'm going to hang myself in the bathroom at school and put a note telling kids that I'm a piñata.

Did you hear about the delivery boy that worked for that Italian Restaurant down the street?

Yeah, he Pasta-Way.

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.

Q: How can you tell that a pedophile likes music?

A: He rapes D minor.

Did you hear about the cannibal that came home late?

His wife gave him the cold shoulder.

That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.

There was a Cheerio that had a job. He worked hard at it, and the boss came up and promoted him to the vice president of the Cheerios. So he needed a speech. He kept practicing and practicing and now he was thirsty. It was almost time for his speech, so he went to the drinking fountain, but there was a huge line. So he went to the lake, but he saw tons of garbage and what he thought was a cereal killer. So he found this bowl of punch, but he realized... there was no punchline.

"Have you ever heard of the snail that never gives charity?"

"Yeah, he is so shellfish!"

If you're cleaning a vacuum cleaner, does that make you the vacuum cleaner?