That jokes

So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"

What did Stephen Hawking love that couldn't move?

Himself, ps particularly his whole body. I was gonna say his legs, but then I remembered he was fully paralysed and was like shitttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

Why are you so bonely, my friend? I am at least glad that you are not boneless.

The last thing that went through Abe Lincoln's head was a bullet.

During WWI and WWII, the infantry would use shovels as weapons and to dig trenches. I bet they really dig that weapon!

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead walked into a bar. The bartender told them there was a magic mirror in the bathroom. He said that if you spoke the truth in front of the mirror, you would have your greatest desires, but if you told a lie, you would disappear.

The redhead said that she was the prettiest girl in the bar, and she walked out of the bathroom, and she got a thousand dollars. The brunette walked in and said she was the smartest one in the bar. She walked out of the bar with a new car. The blonde went in, she said, "I think..." poof, she was gone.

Three guys are escaping from North Korea through a tunnel.

The guards know that they are coming and will shoot them with paintball guns as a warning.

The guys show up and the guards shoot them.

The guys die because the guards used real guns.

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

This is a Rickroll. The joke is that you thought you were going to get something else, but instead you got Rickrolled.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.

The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."

What did one tree say to the tree that was a bully? "LEAF me alone."

What did one skeleton say to the other?

Skeleton 1: "I need a hand!"

Skeleton 2: (Throws up hand)

Skeleton 1: "That wasn't very humerus."

Skeleton 2: "Why do you have to be so heartless?"

Skeleton 1: "At least I had the guts to tell you!"

Your mom's my dad. Think about that!

I just came up with a really good deaf people joke! The great thing is that they won't be able to hear it!

Why did potassium draw a tear that would result in him crying?

Because all of his friends argon.

A man was forced off the Eiffel Tower, but he flew back up.

The executioners asked, "How'd you do that?"

He said, "I had magic chips. Here, take some."

They eat them, jump off, and die.

He asks for more chips, and the guy says, "You're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman!"

Stephen Hawking walking, oops, he does not do that anymore.

Q: Why did the blind man fall into the well?

A: Because he couldn't see that well.

I made a bet with my friend that I couldn’t create a working car with spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta! 😂

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."