Tell jokes
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where’s Trump’s clock?"
"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.
I would tell you a milk joke, but it's whey too cheesy!
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.
Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
Smack an orphan, what’s he gonna do... tell his parents?
I went for a walk today, and I did a good job of telling what time it was.
Chris started to tell me a joke about a nut, but he couldn't finish it.
Kid at school tells an orphan, "I fucked your mom."
Orphan: "What's a mom?"
A person went to tell a joke: "Knock knock!" "Who’s there?" "I don’t remember!" (I think we need to moove on to the next joke now.)
I just now made this one up! Then I realized it is in the cow category, so I added the moove on part! 😂
You meet the guy who invented 0, what do you tell him? Thanks for nothing!
Run, or something will come to you, and you will be afraid to tell it to stop following you.
Who tells the best chicken jokes?
Comedi-hens!
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
A person walks into the bar and said, "Hey barman, get my son a drink and tell him his dad is dead."
Who said that?
My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."
Why did ranch tell fridge to close the door?
He was dressing.
You can make fun of adopted kids all you want. What are they going to do, tell their parents on you? Lol.
How to tell your kid he's adopted:
Son, I'm a virgin.
Why can’t the employee tell dirty laundry jokes?
Because they always come out clean.
When your mum tells you to help your granny And you in plug life support.
Last night I burned down an orphanage.
There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"