Television jokes
What does the Bartles and Jaymes wine cooler television ad have in common with ministers who are white Christian nationalists?
They both thank you for your financial support.
Chuck Norris doesn't get sun burns. The sun knows better.
Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"
Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."
Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"
Dad: "That isn't the remote."
*Weird background music*
What does a mother fear most?
Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.
Ever seen the show Naked and Afraid? That’s what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.
Memes
Why is Kanye West's haircut actually years of work by many doctors to piece together skull fragments like a jigsaw puzzle?
Because Kanye once interrupted Chuck Norris on the set of "Walker Texas Ranger."
Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"
Me: power button.
What show does an orphan hate? Family Feud.
What is the difference between an orphan and a TV?
One has more channels.
How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.
I'm not racist, I have a colored TV.
Tj's hairline is so far back, Blue's Clues can't find it.
Yo mama so clueless, she sat on the TV to watch the couch.
What did Homer Simpson say when he ran over a deer? "DOE!"
My young son saw Trump on TV. He asked, "Why is the man on TV painted orange?" I replied, "Son, when Russia pays that much for equipment, they don't want it to rust."
Your mama so fat, she walked by a TV and missed eight episodes.
What's the worst TV series for orphans?
Family Guy.
Mom asks, "Why are you are THIS show??? It's DISTRACTING you from SCHOOL!!!!!"
The child says, "Don't you mean SCHOOL is distracting ME from this AWESOME show?"
Mom whispers, "Oh, you DEAD."
Why can't a homeless person be in "The Boys?"
Because he would have beef with Homelander.
Why is Homelander an orphan's favorite superhero?
Because they can actually land a home.