Surprise jokes
My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
"SUPPLIES!"
I was both shocked and amazed to hear Stephen Hawking kicked the bucket.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
What happened when the gun dealer found his pistol in his shoe?
He found that he had a piece in his sole!
Knock, knock. Who's there? You're adopted.
My wife caught me fucking our daughter. I don't know what she found worse: the fact I was fucking our daughter, or that the clinic gave me the fetus.
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
Two guys are on the playground. One guy says to the other, "Did you know that Hellen Keller had a playground in her backyard?" The other guy said, "No." The first guy says, "Neither did she."
What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?
My boner.
There was this man, and he forgot about his wife's birthday. She was very upset and said that her present should come as fast as 1-200 by tomorrow. When she woke up, she saw a present in the bathroom. It was a scale.
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Man, it's hot in here!"
The other muffin says, "OH MY GOSH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"
A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."
"BU" is the element of a surprise. Boo!
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.
The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"