What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?
They both think "Mom's probably going to kill me"
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.
The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.
So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”
Mom:i was an orphan once,The kid:oh ok idgaf,Mom:and ur gonna be too! :),The kid:ok idga-WAIT WHAT THE FU-
Sadly blind jokes are cruel. A kid at my school was punched the other day for being blind
Sadly he didn't see it coming
One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."
I was just sitting down when all of a sudden she screamed help.
my sister and I were hanging out when she opened her drawer and pulled out 3 condoms and said "pick one"
Teacher: I'm sorry but you got a 74 on the test Quiet Kid: I'll show you my own 74 Classroom: *visible panic*
What do you call dolls in a line? Barbie queuing.
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.
My mom got a clown for my birthday but it ended up being my sister🤡
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.
The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
What did the little girl with no arms get for Christmas? I dont know, she's still trying to open it...
life is like a box of choclates, they f*cking melt :)
My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter, as I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set and the entire animal shelter was burned down. A few hours later I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why, I replied "I couldn't find any" She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?
How to tell your kid he's adopted:
Son, I'm a virgin.
Knock knock, Whos there? Dad You came back?
Kenny is living with his girlfriend now.
He just moved back in with his mom.
