5+ Ex-Boyfriend Jokes

My ex-boyfriend's dick is so small that instead of giving him a handjob, I had to give him a thumb and forefinger job.

My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97.

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

Ex-Boyfriend: You have no ass, so we're through!

Me: Stop being a dickhead, dude!! It ain't gonna make your little sausage any bigger!

Girlfriend: you remind me of a cellphone

Ex Boyfriend: how and why?

Girlfriend: Because your about to die

I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.

I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.

(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)

This morning, I was having a conversation with my ex-boyfriend about reincarnation. I said to him, "If you could come back in the next life as anything, what would you come back as?" He thought about it for a minute and says, "A tree. That way, everybody can look at me and admire me."

Then he says the same thing to me. I started thinking about it when these two sexy, half-naked studs walked by. One was a jock, the other on his bicycle. I know I said I want to come back as a jockstrap or a bicycle seat, but knowing my luck, I'll come back as a tampon.

One day, someone's ex was going to the kitchen to get something to eat, and her ex-boyfriend was there and gave her an apple. Next minute, she had chlamydia. What did the boyfriend do?