Suicide jokes
Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.
People wear chokers, and I'm a choker too, because I tried to choke myself 6 times.
What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?
An RCXD (remote control explosive).
So there was a reason why I hated math.
I suck at problem-solving.
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.
Why did the suicidal man walk in front of the car? To get to the other side.
What are the wedding vows of a suicide bomber?
Til death do we park.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
People see this Rolex and they kill themselves.
Motherfucker, that's a suicide watch!
Why did the feminist kill herself? Because she was TRIGGERED.
What’s the best part about fucking suicide girls?
The pussies are limited edition.
A suicidal customer walks into a gun store.
Cashier: Is this your final purchase?
Customer: Actually, yes it is!
This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.
what's the difference between an emo and an apple? the apple falls to the ground while the emo just hangs there.
I don't want to die alone... That is why I am working my way up to become a suicide bomber!
Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.
In reality, I like killing myself.
What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.
Emo grass cuts itself, while transgender laundry hangs itself.
Preventing suicide is best done by committing it.
What’s the worst thing about being suicidal?
The school shooter will always spare you.