Suicide jokes
What do cutting boards and a suicidal teen's wrist have in common?
They both have cutting marks.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
When you were supposed to help the depressed kid, but not "help" the depressed kid.
Why do trannies suck at being soldiers? Because they have a 41% casualty rate.
What do you call a gay kid that killed himself?
A byebyesexual.
Lol same
I asked to borrow a book from the library. It was titled "Suicide in Ten Easy Steps." The cunt just stood and said, "Cheeky bastard, you won't bring it back!"
What is the last thing that goes through a suicide bomber's mind?
His arse.
What do you call a dwarf suicide bomber?
A party popper.
We are all just suicidal kids telling other kids not to do it.
The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.
What does the suicidal person say on New Years?
"New year, no me."
A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"
The bartender replied: "A shotgun."
What do Logan Paul, KSI, and the Japanese suicide victim have in common?
Tying.
I want to di... dive! Yeah!
Everyone laughs when a bully teases someone, but no one laughs when that person commits suicide.
Once I almost died. I'll give it another shot out of the gun to finish my job.
Why can't a dodo fly? Cus it suicided when it saw you will be born soon.
I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.
Random person: Minecraft is actually more peaceful than real life.
Me: Well, screw life. Maybe if I light a fire on myself, I will go to Minecraft (my excuse for suicide).
Suicide is as easy as my ex-wife.