Suicide jokes

If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

I know I'm valuable.

I come with a barcode.

When you get caught about to shoot up the school,

*slowly puts AR to chin*

Dark jokes are like a new day. Suicidal people don't get it.

Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.

I talked to a future suicide bomber. I told him, "ISIS ain't got sh** on me because I planted a bomb and lived."

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.

I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.

[Them]: "Don't you think you'll feel ashamed of all the suicide jokes you've made when you get older?"

[Me]: "When I what?" 0-0

Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

People complain we are overpopulated.

Well, then if we committed suicide, then why do they be sad? It's one less person to think about. Why complain about it when in the end we become sad people?

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

What do you call a dwarf suicide bomber?

A party popper.

Why did Kayla go to the river when she was sad?

To drown herself.

My advice to suicidal people: just hang in there. 🕺

What do leaves and suicidal people have in common? Nothing, one falls from the tree and one doesn't.

What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.

Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you.