Suicide jokes

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.

I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi's concerts...

I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.

After long consideration, I've decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.

What's the depressed person's favorite song?

Van Halen - Jump

My advice to suicidal people: just hang in there. 🕺

Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

I’m taken, taken my own life, bitch!

I called the suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

When you're fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends. Now you gotta fight the suicide squad.

What do you call a dwarf suicide bomber?

A party popper.

This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.

So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.

The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.

What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

At least one does something when it is triggered.

What's the difference between me and a rope?

The rope doesn't hang from itself.

What do you tell someone who has depression?

Answer: Just hang in there.

Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?

Half of the class: *raises hand*

Teacher: ...

The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*

Why does the orphan commit suicide to join the other side to see their parents?