My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...
Suicide Jokes
People complain we are overpopulated.
Well, then if we committed suicide, then why do they be sad? It's one less person to think about. Why complain about it when in the end we become sad people?
I can tell a joke :)
Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope.
What's the most common thing between Hitler and an emo?
Hitler knows when to kill himself!
When there's no piñata at the party, but the emo kid just hung himself.
What's the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.
One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”
Are you suicide? Because you are always on my mind.
There is this celebrity everybody thought was so down to earth. That was until he hung himself.
My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."
I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.
If I don't find a reason to live soon, my ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's gonna be hanging from my ceiling.
What does a relationship and suicide have in common?
I always fail on committing.
I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.
Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?
Mom: You will make me kill myself.
Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!
I wanted to fall off a cliff, sadly, there aren't any cliffs near my house.
Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.
What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?
The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.
OTHERS (MOTIVATED): If I had FLYING as a SUPERPOWER, FALLING would be the BEGINNING STAGE.
ME (DEPRESSED): OK, GOOD IDEA! LETS FALL OFF THE CLIFF AND FLY TO HEAVEN!!
