Speech jokes

I'd insult BlessedBrian, but it seems NATURE beat me to it.

I might slide up to your block with intelligence. I'm a genius with a glock. There's some relevance. Took his chain, took his rocks. Took his sediments. There's no cap inside my speech. No impediments.

Putting numbers on the board, I use my calculator. Put a opp below the floor, he's a denominator. E = mc2, you didn't notice that? Had the shot, but he's too scared. Why didn't he buss it back?

Hey, I'm Gwen. I just want to say I am speechless.

Bully: I'm going to hurt you so bad.

You: Well, your IQ is the same amount of teeth I'm about to knock out, so... you're so dumb that you don't even know how to do that.

And your IQ is 5.

Q: What do gay horses say?

A: "Geigh!"

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral? Nothing.

I named my cousin's parrot Michell, and then I started to call Mikey "Mikey", right? I'm starting to teach my cousin Sammy how to say "Mikey Mikey" and he says "mekiy meiky" 😆

What's the difference between a rapist's mouth and a sewer?

Nothing, they both spout shit.

Can you really wheel my real wheelchair?

Try saying that over and over fast. Bit of a tongue twister.

Call me Willma, will my balls fit ya mouth?

What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?

The rooster says... "cock-a-doodle-doo." The prostitute says... "any cock will do."

An American and a Russian are talking. The American says, "We in America have the best democracy. We can stand in front of the White House and shout with impunity: \"The American President is a moron!\""

"We can do that too," says the Russian, walking with the American to the Kremlin and shouting: "The American President is a moron!"

Stop making moo jokes, they're so annoying!

I wrote down a speech at home yesterday.

When I got to school, I was speechless.

I was trying to make a joke about fighting, but I couldn't come up with a good punchline.

Obama: It smells like UpNigga in here...

Trump: What's UpNigga?

Obama: Omg did you say the n word?? Die!!!

Bully: I can't understand you because I don't speak ugly language.

Me: And I don't speak idiot language.

There is a young lady.

She is beautiful.

She got much vote.

But she speaks very fast.

Does she think she looks smart doing that?

She makes me feel bad.

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"