Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"
I wanted to solve teen suicide, so I shot up a middle school.
Your mom's so fat, when she sat on Walmart, she lowered the prices!
There was a wedding so sad that even the cake was in tiers.
One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.
A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”
These jokes are so dark they almost stole my bike.
I downloaded Fruit Ninja so I can cut fruit instead of myself.
Yo mama so fat, she got arrested for carrying ten pounds of crack.
Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number."
Yo mama so stupid she threw a Mother's Day party at an orphanage.
A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.
The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.
After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"
The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.
Your hairline's so far back that five hour energy became a five day depression.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.
My grandfather said we rely on technology too much, so I unplugged his life support. Luckily, I remember his last words: "You little bastard!"
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"
Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."
A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.
Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."
I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.
In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...
