SOS jokes

So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"

Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

Why can orphans travel around so much? They never get homesick.

I heard some twin brothers were going as buildings to the school costume contest, so I went as a plane. It didn't fly too well with people.

Your hairline's so far back even Rosa Parks refused to sit there.

My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

Why are so many Americans stupid? Because they shoot the ones that go to school.

Yo mama's so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.

My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.

I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.