So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.
20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.
Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car <3
Get a head in life by decapitating someone.
There is someone in my class named Henry Rocket Rueben, and he always says he rockets into my mom.
Me: 911, I just killed someone.
Cops: Cool, we will not come.
Me: Why?
Cops: Don't admit a crime.
Phones: *Bang Bang*
Me: Well, that was 2 crimes done.
I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?
When someone says "Did I ask?" say "Then why did you respond?"
What do you call someone who is extra virgin?
Mrs. Frame.
The Britains walk in the house of the alcoholic grandad. They ask Mary, the mum, why she had blood all over her, and she said someone dropped the butter. They walked into the living room, and Thomas was dead on the floor.
My brother got his legs chopped off, but someone FBI opened my basement door, but it wasn't my brother because he died of starvation in the basement.
Someone asks a question: Who? Who asked? Boom, you"re done xxx.
If I could make someone tell me their last words, they'd say, "Make me."
I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.
When someone says you're an orphan, say, "At least I was wanted, unlike you!"
How do you try to shout at someone on the bottom of the ground?
"Hey, sir! Are you dead?"
So, I was laying in bed and it's winter, so my room is always cold because the heater doesn't work.
And I was thinking.... It would be warmer if someone else was laying here with me.... Then I laughed because who would wanna be with me. Hahaha
Ok, so I'm bored, depressed, and lonely. Someone wanna talk?
I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?
I was given my electronics test today. Turns out it was given to me 'cause I have the same name as someone who got 54/59. I actually got my hopes up, too.
I will pay someone to kill me.
