Someone jokes
That moment when you realize you do not have a joke and someone ends up laughing at what you still wrote anyway.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
Rules of dark humor.
1. Everything shall be touched.
2. If it offends someone, it shall not be touched.
Why did the electron leave the atom?
Because it had its ion someone else.
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.
The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr. Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.
It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister?
You better not lay a finger on her!
What is it called when a gay guy punches someone?
Fruit punch.
Why did the electron leave the atom?
Because it had its ion someone else.
Someone booted Stephen Hawking offline. Maybe next time he will stand for the pledge/anthem.
What do you call someone who kisses primary school kids?
Joshua Metcalfe
If it is someone's birthday, say this for a joke:
"A long time ago in a far away galaxy...
YOU WERE BORN!"
A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."
"Interesting."
"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.
When your sad don’t feel down about yourself break someone’s leg and laugh.
Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.
No, no, no, no. Spot the intruder.
There's no one.
What do you call someone with an extra chromosome winning in a pool?
Posiedown.
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."