I bought these trainers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced it with, but I have been trippin' all day.
Friends are very important. I have lots of friends in very high places. I hope the police can talk them down!
There's an orphan in my class... For some reason, he never leaves.
Small People.
What was a pedophile's hardest thing? Fitting in!
What's the difference between a bear with a gun and an American man with a gun?
The bear has common sense not to fire it.
Me: *makes Chuck Norris meme*
Internet: *all the other memes are dead now*
Me: Well, shit.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: .....it...
Friend: No
Me: *smiles* GETS BEAT BY THE MISTRESS AND GETS SCOLDED BY THE MASTER!!!
Friend: Why are you like this?
What is the difference between an emo and a normal person?
An emo slits.
When you see an "Autistic child zone" sign and say, "Oh! That wasn't a dog."
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims: they went through a hundred stories in 10 seconds.
HEY! You guys need to S T O P making Stephen Hawking jokes. He has done so much for the theoretical physics world, and THIS is how you choose to repay him? All 653 of you should be ashamed of yourselves.
2019, where you can change your gender at a snap of a finger.
At night in the Nunnery, one Nun says to the other Nun, "Where's the candle?" The other Nun says, "Doesn't it!"
My social life.
What is a redneck's favorite sock?
A red sock.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being dark.
Couy.
What sayd the man to the woman??
Go to the kitchen lol.
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.
- That girl was hot. - She's my cousin!
