I can't walk, I can't talk, but I can drive a wheelchair.
Mommy, Mommy, are you an archer?
"Shut up and keep the apple on your head still."
What’s the definition of “perfect pitch?”
Throwing a viola into the dumpster without hitting the rim.
What do you call a bad player? A noob.
Did you know that..
Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills.
Oh, thank god I'm in that 1%.
I don't struggle with depression- like, at this point, I have it down. I'm good at depression.
The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.
The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”
My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.
Why did Dad say no to the pool? Because he can't swim.
Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.
Lucas is bronze 1 in RL.
My grandfather is a great fisherman, especially at baiting a rod.
I guess you could call him the Master Baiter.
Me: How does this thing work?
ForTnite kid: Oh, you don’t know how to use a pistol? Look, I’ll show you.
ForTnitekid: *shoots foot*
Me: That wasn’t a very good demonstration.
I don’t struggle with depression, at this point I’ve got it down. I’m good at depression.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.
I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."
Life is like a game of chess.
I don’t know how to play chess.
What do you say before you jump off a building?
Parkour!
What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.
