Short jokes
What concert costs 45 cents? -- 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
I wasn't staring at you; I was trying to figure out if that's your forehead or the moon.
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
Suicide is illegal because it's a crime to destroy government property.
What was the last thing to run through Osama bin Laden's mind? Probably a bullet.
The ones you hate most are also the ones who are by your side most.
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.
Stephen Hawking isn't really dead, he's just rebooting.
What's one thing gay people can't draw?
A straight line.
Did you know the letter "F" in orphan stands for family?
What do you call it when a Mexican and a pedophile fight?
Alien vs Predator.
It's funny how Stephen Hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking, but he can't do any of those things.
Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
What's a lesbian's favorite sport? Dodgeball.
What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't, they just eat out.
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.
When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"