If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming parquor it's a failed stunt.
What do you call an athlete who injured 75% of his spine?
A quarterback
Wanna hear somethin' ironic?
When one cutter tells another cutter to stop, but he himself can't stop cutting.
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset
I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom..... Until they are flashing behind you!
What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?
Men toes.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Who's the best at musical chairs?
Stephen Hawking
my mom said take out the trash and i said okay. the next day she asked "where is your sister", and i said in line to get crushed.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, ...
so Trump can't tweet it.
Like this post to have give someone you hate bad luck
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
i fell from the stairs the other day. it really "got me down".
im not suicidal im just speedrunning life
My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.
Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side.
I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized, it was a waist of time!
I did a bunjee jump for charity recently. It was called spastics on elastics
