I can measure the speed of an object. Because I want to km/s
I did a bunjee jump for charity recently. It was called spastics on elastics
I don't call it suicide. I call it population control
Fuck it suicide is wrong but if you jump off a bridge and yell parkor its a failed stunt
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
It's funny how Stephen hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking but he can't do any of those things
Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"
Genie: "Wish granted!"
When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.
What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.
Are you suicide? Cause I'm trynna commit to you
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills candy But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jills real name is Randy
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
the last thing i told my ex after we broke up was “at least we’re still cousins”😂
I asked my girlfriend if he wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran
My friend: Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny Me: C'mon it's not that deep
How did they know that princess Diana had dandraff? , They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment...
Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones
i fell from the stairs the other day. it really "got me down".
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
what's the difference between a grape, apple and an arm?
you don't slice a grape