Short jokes

Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.

Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,

Then the speed bump starts screaming.

What's the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"

Genie: "Wish granted!"

When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

What is the best cure for aging?

Suicide.

I'm not suicidal, I'm just speedrunning life.

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism.

Somebody asked me, "What's that on your arm?" I just said, "My cats got OCD."

I wanna be a Christmas decoration cause they always do be hanging.

Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

Roses are red, my blood is too. I see a lot when I lost you.

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

Roses are red, violets are blue. If you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

Who needs April Fools?

When your whole life is a joke?