Short jokes

Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.

Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,

Then the speed bump starts screaming.

What's the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"

Genie: "Wish granted!"

When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

What is the best cure for aging?

Suicide.

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism.

Somebody asked me, "What's that on your arm?" I just said, "My cats got OCD."

I wanna be a Christmas decoration cause they always do be hanging.

Roses are red, my blood is too. I see a lot when I lost you.

I'm not suicidal, I'm just speedrunning life.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.

Roses are red, violets are blue. If you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

Covid 19 stopped mass shootings faster than the Government.