Short jokes
My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."
Q: Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
A: So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What do you call an epileptic kid eating fruits?
A blender.
Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"
Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?
Donald Trump can only F@#k up.
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
If the formula of water is H2O, then what is the formula of ice?
H2O cubed.
What do painters and prostitutes have in common?
They're both paid for a good finish.
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.
I am a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
What is an alien's favourite chocolate?
A Mars bar.
Why do Priests like playing the violin? They get to finger A minor.
I asked my rigger buddy if he could tie me up later, he said, "I'm a frayed knot."
I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea, but it’s dead in the water.
What kind of star would go to jail?
A shooting star!
I had to stop using cutting jokes because they were getting too deep.
My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.
He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.
Google is a woman because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before it makes suggestions.
What do you call a mushroom 🍄 with many friends?
A fungi.