Short jokes
What is more used than plastic?
Hookers.
My gardener found a dead body. Of the old gardener!
Why was the barber mad because I gave him a buzzcut?
The tortoise was swimming through the lake. His head got stuck in plastic. He said, "Oh dam."
Yo mama so fat...
That when she used a jump rope... Every time she jumped caused a giant cataclysm!
Why do women need a pay rise? Isn't the glass ceiling high enough?
Why are the towers working out? They have big thighs!
My grandfather is a great fisherman, especially at baiting a rod.
I guess you could call him the Master Baiter.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Terrier.
Terrier who?
Your Halloween decorations are terri-fying!
Knock, knock? Who's there? A mirror, I'm lonely.
When you say, "I wish I could cut off these bumps on my neck." (Your mom walking to you with a knife.)
Do you know the teacher that went up into space?
You know what her husband said to her? "I will feed the dog; you feed the fish."
Mom, start eating, or else you will get fatter!
What do a tank and a warship have in common?
They're overweight.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.