Short jokes

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

What does Can do after eating its vegetables?

Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.

What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.

Why don’t Indians play soccer?

Because every time they’re at the corner, they build a store.

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

I just prevented an 11-year-old from getting assaulted.

I decided to go home.

What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?

The sound when they hit the windshield.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

What’s a priest's favorite sport?

Golf, because most of the holes are less than 18.

I call my penis the truth because the truth always comes out of children’s mouths.

heeeeeheeeeeeeeenjkxbzskrf

The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.

What's the worst possible thing to be playing during the funeral of a bridge-collapse victim?

Fall Guys.

Your hairline is so far gone that you could build a runway.

Your mom's ass is so petite and big, I'd pound that till the Earth shakes.

"Captain, captain, there's a man lashed to the mainmast."

"That's your lookout."

Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?

A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.

Accounting Chapter 12: Long-term Liabilities (FULL TEXT)

How many children does Explain Bear have?

Explain bear still lives in his mother's basement.