Short jokes

Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.

Nope, should've gone to Specsavers.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.

Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.

Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.

In this modern age, I feel as though it's inappropriate to make jokes about herbs and fish.

It's not the thyme or the plaice for it.

A new feature that we are bringing to the Olympics is 3D viewing. So if you're watching the javelin, I would look away now.

Wanted: Sperm donors. Please come quickly!

And Sterling has taken a dive.

That's all for financial news, back to the football.

I am Thor.

And next year, I will be five.

I was Gandalf the Grey.

But now, after just three washes...

You have been accused of stealing toilet rolls. How do you plead?

Guilty or not guilty?

We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body. He will be known as "The Head."

Pineapple turnover.

Hello, I'm C-3PO. And this is my brother, WD-40.

A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices in order to pay for my education.

They were both druids.

I would like to tell you the name of a song I showed to my friend who had an overdose of LSD.

I see a dreamer.

It's tricky when you're both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship, but up ahead, you see a lighthouse.

Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"