Short jokes
"Slow and steady wins the race."
What is the difference between a cow and a chicken?
It's white and it's brown.
What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?
Standing ovation!
Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.
Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!
Your forehead so big you got to go outside to think.
Your mama so ugly she went by a TV and missed eight episodes.
Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."
Why didn’t the Twin Towers like their pizza?
Cause it was plain.
You learn something new every day.
Like the people in 9/11 are the world's fastest readers; they went through 100s in under a second.
If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size.
Q: What do you get when the cow jumped over the barbed wire? A: Udder destruction!
Me: Hey, are your parents here?
Orphan: (crying) STOP CALLING HERE!
Why is the queen in chess the most powerful piece? Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.
What do you call Canadian weed? Canadabis.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!
KK or Liv?
My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."
What did one bee say to the other bee?
"I love you, honey!"
What's the most confusing day of the year for an illegitimate kid?
Father's Day.
What does the chicken say when he didn't understand something?
"What hap-HENd?"