My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.
Short Jokes
Are you a building?
Cuz I rate you 9/11.
The time is 9:11, time to put your phones on airplane mode.
What do Bob Ross's painting and the orphanage have in common?
They're both filled with happy little accidents.
When a person yells, just laugh and remember that they can’t hurt what’s already dead.
What do you call Darth Vader when he dies?
A black alien.
How do you know someone is going to die?
He can't stop coughing. (coffin)
Why are pedophiles good at playing guitar?
Because they are good at fingering A minor.
When I went to the basketball pitch, I saw a man dribbling his own balls.
Why do orphans not build houses in Minecraft? Because they want it to be realistic.
My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.
I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.
They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
What do cannibals call a person that is running?
Fast food.
Yo mama's so old, she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.
What does a man have 3 of, which a girl only has 2 of?
Legs.
Happy New Year! 🍆🍑🍆🍑
When I saw a kid fall with no legs, I said, "Just walk it off!"
I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.
Why did the orphan cross the road?
Because he was tired of waiting for the milk.
