Short jokes

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

I threw a lamp at the depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?

Fitting in.

Why are feminists jealous of men?

Because men don't have to stand up to piss.

What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?

Hookers come back.

5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

The happier they get, the less they see.

Like it if you judge people's hairlines.

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.

Are you depression? 'Cause you're always on my mind~

Walked in to a gun store, everything was half off.

I didn't know back-to-school shopping started.

Your forehead is so big that you dream in 4K.

When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...

You're like a cloud. When you go away, it's a beautiful day.

I'm doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled.

It's called "spastics on elastics."

I like my people how I like my tea...

In a bag under water.

My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.

Q: What did one emo kid say to the other emo kid?

A: Wanna hang out?