Short jokes
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.
I was gonna roast you about your chin, but I didn't know which one to talk about.
The happier they get, the less they see.
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?
Fitting in.
My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.
Why are feminists always against men?
Because men can piss with something that they can't: piss with dicks.
Why are feminists jealous of men?
Because men don't have to stand up to piss.
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?
Hookers come back.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.
Yo mama's so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.
Are you depression? 'Cause you're always on my mind~
Your forehead is so big that you dream in 4K.
When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...
I'm doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled.
It's called "spastics on elastics."
You're like a cloud. When you go away, it's a beautiful day.
I like my people how I like my tea...
In a bag under water.
My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso espresso.
Nah, just kidding, it's bleach.