Short jokes

I wish my hair was depressed.

Cause then it would cut itself.

I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.

The judge asked me, "How does 5 to 10 years sound?"

I said, "Sexy."

Someone asked me why I'm still here... the answer is simple: I don't want to be used as a school assembly.

You wanna know why I love trains?

They end my suffering.

People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.

What do you call an Asian receptionist?

Tai Ping.

If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence.

Why did Logan Paul go to the suicide forest?

To see who's hanging around.

What did the Twin Towers' mom say when she fed them? "Open wide honey, here comes the airplane."

When Bubba's condom broke, he spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering if he was going to be an uncle or a dad.

What do you call a disabled Asian?

Sum Ting Wong.

Gays: "I like men."

Straight: "I like women."

Bisexual: "A hole is a hole."

I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.

Why are feminists always against men?

Because men can piss with something that they can't: piss with dicks.

I threw a lamp at the depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.

I was gonna roast you about your chin, but I didn't know which one to talk about.

Like it if you judge people's hairlines.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

Why are feminists jealous of men?

Because men don't have to stand up to piss.