Short jokes
Why did Stephen Hawking die? ... Because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep."
What do you call a short person that goes to school?
A Sammie.
Wood-fired pizza.
How would pizza get a job now?
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
What do crows use when they get a phone?
A "CAWing" card!
What’s the worst thing about being suicidal?
The school shooter will always spare you.
What do KFC and a brothel have in common?
They’re both full of greasy chicks.
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.
He never talks about it.
How do you know if a chick is too fat?
If you pull her pants down, her ass is still in them.
Why can't British people play chess?
Because they lost their queen.
Q. What's the difference between an Alzheimer's patient and a tomato? A. A tomato isn't a vegetable.
What do blind people and orphans have in common?
They both can't see their parents.
Why is 10 always afraid?
Because it is between 9 and 11.
Kurt Cobain's last job was a blow job. He blew his head clean off.
What's the difference between Nickelback and a nickel?
A nickel is actually metal.
Why can't Paris play chess? Because they don't have their towers (also known as rooks).
Anal intercourse is for assholes.
How do you blind an Irish woman?
You put a bottle of Scotch in front of her.
What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools? A fruit stand.
What do you call two natives in a sleeping bag?
Twix.