Short jokes
Me: I'm retarded.
Teacher: Why?
Me: It took me 2 hours to see "60 Minutes."
Why is a brick always hard? Because the Indians played with it enough.
I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!
What’s the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives, and a frog croaks every day.
2k14 was so realistic when I switched to Kobe, the pass button stopped working.
I'd make a masturbation joke.
But they always get out of hand.
Where did the school kittens go for their field trip?
To the mew-seum!
Why did the orphan rob the bank?
Because he/she wanted to be wanted!
What did the orphan say to his dad last?
Please get non-fat milk!
I need a hug.
*hugs train*
Why did the cow have for breakfast?
Answer: Muesli.
If Kenny had a son, we all know he would also be his brother.
What did the snail say to his ex-wife?
"I'm still leaving you!"
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
The job keeps sucking after 5 years.
My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.
Is it a bird, is it a plane?
No, it’s a 9/11 victim.
Why does the basketball never get a date?
Because they dribble.
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"
What do you get when you cross a lawn mower and a parakeet?
Shredded tweet!
We are all just suicidal kids telling other kids not to do it.