Short jokes

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you.

But, smoking bacon will cure it!

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A drinking problem."

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Your mum's so fat, she broke Britain too!

Your mamma so fat Thanos had to clap 4 times.

You're so fat, you drank an invisibility potion, and everyone could still see you!

The last thing the victims were thinking was, "Is there 9 or 11 stories?"

Roses are red, my cum is blue, I'll wait till you're asleep to rape you.

I was sitting at a bench at the park and saw a lady. She asked which kid was mine, and I responded, "I haven't decided yet."

Daddy, I really miss you. Mummy changed my name to Tickle Timpson. Anyway, daddy I forgive you for abusing me.

A bomb is like a baby; when you drop it, everyone screams.

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

The Titanic is now a resort for fish.

If a fat person were to go on a flying car, it will just be at the ground. When they exit, it will just fly up.

Sunday was a sad day, but yesterday was a sadder day.

GOOD MORNING USA!!!! I GOT A FEELING THAT IVE SEEN A FUCKIN NlGGER TODAY!!!

What do you call Hitler speeding?

The Fast and the Fuherous.

Bad Hitler puns are infuhrerating.