Short jokes
Where did the one legged lady work?
IHOP
Why did the child cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A violin has "strings" and a fiddle has "strangs."
"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."
I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
We were at a restaurant today, and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch.
I asked, "What do they raise there? Sea horses?"
Why did the octopus cry?
Because his mum said he looked like Johnny Depp.
I gotta song for Hawaii, baby, you light up my world like nobody else.
What is 6 inches long and makes women scream? Stillbirth...
How did Stephen Hawking die?
Someone unplugged the router.
What is blue and sits in a corner? A baby in a baggy.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because he's not a full essay.
What grade does Sherlock hit on girls from?
Elementary, my dear Watson!
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?
When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.
What do you say to toast with bad shoes?
"Butter those."
Why are retards good at basketball?
'Cause they dribble all the time!
How do Chinese people name their children?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."
Why did Mary fall off the swings?
She got hit by a refrigerator.
It's not my fault my cousin's hot ;) YEE YEE