Short jokes
I don't get why people don't like my abortion jokes. Do they have a stick up their ass? Wait, that's the other hole.
Goats are so lazy these days. Computers have more RAM.
Last night I burned down an orphanage.
There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"
Where do you find the best comedians?
In the funny farm!
They killed a whole family of crows... It was a murder!
They killed a bunch of ravens... What a conspiracy!
Why did the crows form a charity?
Because it's all for good caws!
What's a dog's dream car? A Dachshund 240Z.
You could say Japanese car fans and ancient Egyptians are alike—they both worship Datsun.
Why is Mrs. Grapes 🍇 a good mother?
Because she loves raisin' kids.
There are three types of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.
What does the policeman say to the jumper?
"Hey! Pullover!"
Two fish in a bowl. First fish asks, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"
The second fish replies, "F**k me, a talking fish!"
What did Ron put in his diary?
I "Her-mio-ne" after I banged her last night.
I wish I could be as visible as my depression is.
Why did the cantaloupe 🍈 jump into the pool?
It wanted to become a watermelon 🍉.
What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?
•Terminal
Why was the astronaut washing her hands?
She was getting ready to eat launch.
Leprechauns are stupid. No joke.
Are you a toaster?
I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!
What is a dog that you can drive?
A big doggy car.