Shes jokes

Me: Help, I'm stuck in a trap.

Friend: What kind?

Me: It's called life. Yeah, I've been trying to get out of it for six years now, it just won't let me go.

Friend: That's not funny..

Me: Yeah? Nor is wanting to die, yet I'm still over here laughing every time I try to.

Friend: I'm calling your mom.

Me: She knows.

Friend: What's she doing to help, then?

Me: She's supposed to help?

Friend: Have you told your dad?

Me: I will when he comes back.

Friend: Where is he?

Me: I don't know, he's been gone for 15 years.

Friend: ....

Me: What?

Friend: Why?

Me: Why what?

Friend: Why would you joke like that?

Me: I was joking..

Friend: I know.

Me: Oh. I didn't know.

Friend:...

Me: Have a nice day, I'll see you tomorrow... Maybe...

Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.

Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."

Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?

Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.

Hey Gwen, listen, I know you're on this app, fake or not. I love you either way. Please find this faker and finish her off for what she's done, real Gwen.

*You're a real best Gwen*

Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

Yo mama so fat...

She's the iceberg who sunk the Titanic!

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.

(meaning sad)

Yo mama slept with so many guys she's starting to look like one.

Yo mama so ugly, she's only allowed to go out on October 31.

What did one male whale say to the other male whale?

"She's gonna blow!"

Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.

Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.

Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.

Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?

Bully: How would you know that?

Me: Because she told me herself.

Bully: How exactly?

Me: She's on the phone right now.

Phone: *High pitched animal noises*

Me: Told you so!

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!"

It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

If she’s old enough to smoke, She’s old enough to choke.

If she’s old enough to pee, She’s old enough for me.

I was riding ya mom... LIKE SHE’S MARIO KART!

TommyInnit said, "Long live the Queen." Look at where she's at now.

My girlfriend was cheating in Uno.

She's not the only one who can play that game.

Yo mama's so fat, she's both in the Atlantic and Pacific ocean.

Your mom's so fat, she doesn’t need internet, she’s already world wide.

Ur mama so fat she needs two watches because she's in different time zones.