Shes jokes

So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)

Your mama is so fat that when she went to the scale, it said, "No elephants allowed!"

Why can't my grandma talk?

Because she's dead.

So my sis thinks she's so smart. She said, "You can finish this move ten minutes later. Go to sleep."

My girlfriend was cheating in Uno.

She's not the only one who can play that game.

When a man sleeps with a lot of women, he's called a stud. When a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum.

A boy asks his father:

"What is politics?"

Father answers:

"It’s very simple! You see, I bring in the money, so I’m big business. Your mother spends the money, so she’s the government.

Your grandfather sees to it that everything is managed in an orderly way. So he’s the law.

Our maid is the working class.

Everything revolves around your interests, so you’re the people. Your little baby brother represents the future."

The boy has to think it over. That night he hears his little brother crying due to a dirty diaper. He doesn’t know what to do, so he goes to the bedroom of his parents. There his mother is sound asleep. He goes to the bedroom of the maid, but his father is there fucking the maid — and oddly enough his grandfather is watching through the window.

Nobody notices the boy and he returns to his bed.

The next day his father asks him:

"So, can you now explain to me what politics is?"

The boy says:

"Yes, it’s all become clear to me!

Big business screws over the working class while the law watches and the government sleeps. The people are ignored and the future lies in shit."

Siri is so ugly that she needs to go in the dumpster. She's so ugly that she needs to go in the toilet.

Your mum so fat she's diabetic... LOL

Yo mama so fat, flat earthers say she's round.

You want to get her pregnant before marriage to know if she's fertile, so why not marry a single mother that already has proof?

One day I caught my sister talking to my girlfriend, and she said, "You never told me you're lesbian." I said, "No, not at all." My girlfriend asked, "Why did you not tell her?" and I said, "Because every time I bring a girl home, I hear too much noise in her room, and I never get the chance to kiss them because she's cleaning the trash." She said, "Yeah, the trash is her junk."

Yo mama is so fat, when she's walking down the street, there are cracks all over the sidewalk.

Why don't orphans go to the shops? Because when their mum leaves, she's never coming back.

My daughter is the most adorable little girl in the world. She's got my sister's eyes.

It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

Yo mama is so fat that she's bigger than the cinematic Marvel Universe.

Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

Rape isn't funny unless she's laughing, too.

I used to date this girl only to find out she's a guy.

I guess you can say she had me in a trans.