Sex jokes

What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?

You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.

Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?

Donald Trump can only F@#k up.

What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass.

What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cuCUMber.

There are more than two genders.

Who likes eating ass?

My Little Pony.

Q: Why did frosty pull down his pants?

A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Well, I don't have a joke but... I have a poem.

My dick is red, your pussy is blue. I... lied to you.

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?

Punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.

What's 72?

69 with 3 people watching.

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?

A "glad-he-ate-her".

F*ck my ass.

Condoms are for pussies.

My dick.

Life is like giving head... it always sucks.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, "Hey, don't finish yourself until I get back." After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. "Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!" Gary turns to him and says, "I didn't, I farted."