Self jokes

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

How did Jesus become self-sovereign?

He screws himself and becomes his own creator.

To anyone suffering from low self esteem:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/UTymDoPOEnY

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

I wish my grass was emo, so it would cut itself.

Oh, you need a lesbian joke?

Uhh... gimme a second....

Me???

My and my penis never truly understood the words "Booby traps" until we met the ex-wife. God's gift of self-will was working fine until my penis went hard and my mind went blank, and God started laughing, and I swear I heard him say, "Booby trap" as he walked away! True story.

I'm not a failure. Suuuurrrre.

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

Why do self-harmers "draw" on their arms?

Because everything they do is in vein.

Punchline: "Vain" sounds similar to "Vein".

Go fuck yourself, cause I doubt anyone else will. 💅

I once got raped. I was asking for it though.

What do you call a Mexican that hung him self? a pinata

I should be ashamed of myself for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled! After all, they can't even stand up for themselves.

I'm fucking retarded.

If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.

If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.

It isn't any of those if it's suicide.

Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?

Alfred: Why?

Me: because I'm worthless... =)

It's ironic that the more other people love you, the more you hate yourself.