Self jokes

Why do self-harmers "draw" on their arms?

Because everything they do is in vein.

Punchline: "Vain" sounds similar to "Vein".

what's the difference between hitler and you?

one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.

We all hear cause we cut ourselves, right? I mean, JK.

What do you call an orphan taking a picture with it's family?

A self-fie.

Is a selfie of an orphan a self-portrait or family photo?

When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.

I made a 3D game about a depressed, self-harming goth. It's mostly unskippable cutscenes.

When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.

Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"

Suicide is just self-defense. You're killing the person that tried to kill you.

I started debating whether or not suicide is a good option. Self-harm just hasn’t been cutting it lately.

To whoever you are, you are loved.

I was gonna tell a self harm joke, but realized it would cause too much pain.

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

What's the difference between a feminist and Hitler?

Both were good at starting wars, only difference was Hitler knew when to kill himself afterwards.

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

Note to self.

When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".

Google "cream pie recipes".

I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".

If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".

If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"