Self jokes

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

What do you call a Mexican that hung him self? a pinata

Everyone has cracks in them, mine's just in my heart and not my ass.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? I would too if all I heard was "daaaaaaah!"

This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.

Australian says to American: why do you have such bad gun laws?

American: Self defense.

Australian: Self defense against 50 innocent children?

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a dirty diaper?

Answer: none, they're both self-absorbed and full of sh*t!

Why should you be friends with emos? Because you get to scan their bar code for 20% off, and when it expires, they get rid of themselves.

What do you do when you see a kid alone? You beat them up and say, "It was self-defense!"

What flour do orphans use when baking? Self-Raising (Rising).

What sucks about disabled people?

They can't stand up for themselves.

Yo mama so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

What is an orphan's dad's job?

A magician because he makes himself disappear.

A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"

So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."

The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"

1. just feeling sad. 2. depression. 3. self harm. 4. suicide.

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.