What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?
"To be and not to be."
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Yo mama so fat, NASA has a satellite orbiting around her.
Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Yo mama so fat, she curves space and time.
A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"
I tried having a three-way with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three-body problem.
I told a chemist a joke.
No reaction.
What is a pirate's favorite element?
Argon.
I don't trust atoms.
They make up everything.
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
"Wait, I can explain everything!"
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?
Because they don't believe in higher powers.
