Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"
What is a physicist's favorite food?
Fission chips.
How does a mathematician get tan?
sin/cos.
What did the neutrino say to the planet?
"Just passing through."
Why did the math book go to the psychologist?
It had too many problems.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
"You guys have no life!"
What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?
"To be and not to be."
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
What do you call a man with 6.022 x 10^23 dollars?
A Moleionaire.
An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Yo mama so fat, NASA has a satellite orbiting around her.
Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Yo mama so fat, she curves space and time.
A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"
