Scale jokes

Joke 1# "Knock, knock." Who's there? "Pastur." Pastur who? "Past ur bedtime."

Joke 2# Why does a slug always win a race? Because its components always stop for a break.

Joke 3# Your momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number."

Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number."

Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

Yo mom is so fat that when she stands on a scale, she broke it, lol.

If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?

Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!

So fat you're a scale said, "Fat ass."

Q: My scale had my phone number on it. Wandering why, I looked up only to see an elephant in my face...

When a fat person steps on a scale, it says: “To be continued.”

Why did the music teacher need a ladder to reach the really high notes?

Yo mama so fat, she broke the stairs to heaven.

Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.

On a scale of 8 to 10, how good do I look?

I saw a dwarf scaling down a prison wall. I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."

Yo mama so fat, she stand on the scale and the scale says: "I want your weight, not your phone number!"

"Mine is 3 inches."

"That's not very lo..."

"From the ground."

Why are fish easy to measure?

Because they bring their own scales.

Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.

Which part of a fish weighs the most? The scales!

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.