Say jokes

I would say life's a joke, but I can't, because jokes have a meaning.

Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"

What did the planes say when they were smashing or passing the Twin Towers?

Smash.

(Get it?) 9/11.

Q: What did Chris Brown say when he first saw Rhianna?

A: I'd hit that.

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."

What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?

"Thanks for coming."

How do you make a dishwasher work again?

Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

It was a complete waste of money.

He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't wanna say this, but I have the flu.

What should you never say to a Japanese person? "You're da bomb!"

People say that they can read people's faces; then how come nobody sees me breaking inside?

what's the worst thing to say to an emo?

if you don't succeed the first time, try try try again.